Oh How We Loved Them...But Where Have They Gone?

I had an epiphany last night.

Wandering around the gentrified grunge of the Lower East Side, surrounded by spray-on jeans, a copious amount of leather jackets, and far too many people with messy hair... I realized that New York's gone weak. That is to say, over the past thirty years, since the psychotic rampaging days of the Warriors (and god-dammit what better way to reference a time than a cult classic), New York has undergone a "spring cleaning" to rid the city of as much crime and crackheads as possible. And then of course, there were the days of that self-righteous, hypocritical fink of a weasel Rudy Giuliani. Frankly, I would begin praising every known deity in existence if he were to be suddenly attacked by a pack of rabid badgers... clawing, biting, and scratching at his midriff for hours on end... culminating in his castration. But I digress. 

The whole point of this diatribe is that New York has lost it's edge. There really are no more havens for filthy, sketchy, grimy dives... no bastion for the reckless, the apathetic, and the lunatics to rest their anxious souls. I mean, really folks! While it's very nice not getting mugged every day, we need a bit of filth back up in NYC. I fancy a drink when I can; everyone's got their vices... some of which I don't condone, some of which I don't care. Either way, though... where has the refuge gone for the little china doll so snow-blind she can't even find her Virginia Slims? Why have nicotine freaks been cast out into the abysmal, bleak night known as winter? Hey... I understand the concept of "being healthy" but isn't that supposed to be each person's choice? Who the hell claims to have the authority to tell people not to smoke, not to drink, not to have unmarried intercourse. Christ in a cracker... we're not the bloody Puritans anymore.

While perusing the city last night with a compatriot of mine, we mingled in some of the more well-known Lower East Side staples. Stopping in 'Pianos,' we listened to some wanna-be hipster indie band. First off, the sound system was falling apart. Second... the front man was an idiot. He had no concept of stage presence or performance. Now, if that room had been hazy from half a dozen skin-and-bones thin hipster chicks chain smoking... with the distinctive allure of the illicit... it would have been much more entertaining. At least to watch. My whole point is that even the "grunge" has become chic... even the beat has become hip. For example... last night at 'Pianos,' a gaggle of suits had descended from the bourgeoisie uptown apartments to mingle in the downtown dives. But their very presence destroyed any appeal like that. It was a crystal clear sign that such a world doesn't exist anymore in New York. So I stand on my apple box and call to the masses: fuck your space. Bring in the hookers... bring in the drunks, because everyone else in New York is now just a punk. Sit on that, Rudy!

Go Go Team of Rivals! AIDs and Bush... Who Would Have Thought? The Government Makes It Official: We're ALL Screwed

God don't Mondays suck?

But wait! Dear Holy Moses could it be true? We have reason to give thanks on this most mundane of Mondays: President Elect Obama has announced his candidates for the national security team. And talk about a rag-tag team of political miscreants! Being called "a team of rivals," in direct reference to Ol' Honest Abe's staff, Obama's team is made up of various figureheads from across the partisan map.

First off, Bobby Gates looks like he's going to be staying around. Lucky for him; its going to be seriously difficult for anyone who worked under Bush to get a job in politics. Ever again. And thank God, Allah, Moses, Buddha, Vishnu, Tiamat, Baal, and Tito Puente for that, because if Cheney ever entered again I'm running for the hills. And hey... Gates hasn't done TOO bad in his tenure; how much better can you do in his shoes?

Admittedly, I was somewhat surprised to hear Jim Jones named as national security advisor. If I remember correctly, the retired General did not quite see eye to eye with Obama on a withdrawal deadline, stating "they tend to work against us." But that shows exactly why people voted for Obama. Fuck party lines and fuck opinions... rah rah team, let's get things going again and all that motivational jibberish. And hey, though Jones is more conservative than my liking... if the 44th thinks he's qualified, I'm convinced. For now.

Eric Holder as the attorney general seems a good pick. The man does have a long resume, serving under both Regan and Clinton. He was part of the judicial system that prosecuted Jon Jenrette during Abscam. He even was the temporary predecessor to that heinous little crone, John Ashcroft. I'm satisfied.

I must admit, I'm disappointed with the lecherous tumors that call themselves Republican analysts on CNN. These pin-headed pundits dropped the ball on their criticism of Janet Napolitano as Secretary of Homeland Security. Their main critique: her lack of military experience. Aside from the fact that Secretary of Homeland Security mostly deals with departments like FEMA, the Coast Guard, and Border Patrol... look at the first secretary Tom Ridge. He was a staff sergeant in Vietnam with half a dozen medals, and he screwed the pooch long and hard in his role. So I say lets go Napolitano.

Susan Rice as U.S. Representative to the UN is probably the most tapioca of the choices. Serving in the political free-for-all mayhem since the ill-fated days of Dukakis, Rice has a good twenty plus years experience. She served under Slick Willy in his second term... and lest we forget, she's supported by ex-Secretary Madeline Albright.

Last and most certainly not least, the big mac, all-star, mucho grande granddaddy of choices is Hillary "Battle Axe" Clinton as Secretary of State. Talk about a one-two punch in the political ring. Of course, every political journalist and their grandmothers' ashes were as eager to jump on and hump that story as a pack of virgin Trekkies in Hooters. A year ago: the two Democratic demigods were battling tooth, nail, and toe to tear each others' hearts out. Now: standing side by side, exuding pride and confidence, exchanging pontifications of gratitude and respect. And to those very reporters who shot their load off in that story, I say shame on you. This, the unification of once BITTER, ANGRY rivals, is exactly what the president-elect lauded and said was necessary. So let's allow the man to do this thing. If you're going to rain on the parade, at least wait till it gets started in January. Doing so now is just superfluous.

As with that ridiculous tradition at Buckingham Palace, the American political system stands ready for a changing of the guards... sans those maniacal pipe-cleaner hats required for service. And our soon to be ex-prez, El "W", is probably counting the days until he can flee D.C. Yet, even after seven years of misery, war, recession, and boredom... President Bush is acting like a president. I (and I CANNOT believe I'm saying this, but it's warranted) offer my praise to President Bush for his proactive involvement and dedication to helping with the transition of power. I would do the same if I had his reputation: hurry it up and get the fuck out!

But this makes me ask all ye faithfully psychotic leftist hippies: are we right to bash him so? Yes, he did a terrible job with the economy. Yes, he managed to entrench us in TWO wars that seem to have no end while subsequently instilling hatred of America in 98.42% of all Muslims in the world, extremist or not. Yes, he did fail at improving education, health care, energy independence, and alternative energy... okay, shit. He fucked up really bad. But there are few, if microscopic, notches in his belt that must be approved. His work in Africa fighting AIDs, for example, is incredibly impressive; so much so, that numerous politicians across the party line have come out and expressed gratitude and applause for his work. He isn't a JFK, he isn't even a Nixon (which is SUPPOSED to be a compliment, but in this case not so much...)... but he did do SOMETHING. So it wasn't an entire failure. Just pretty damn close to one.

Such is the sardonic lamentation of the gauntlet known as American Politics. In a recent interview, a very candid President Bush expressed dissatisfaction with his job. And the Government just made the official announcement: We're In a Recession! Jeeze.... thanks so much for that goddamn astute observation. Yet where was it a year ago when this prison-house gang-bang of an economic collapse started? Seems the "analysts" were too busy chasing tail in Cancun... or too busy finger painting while flying hard on New Mexico's finest Peyote. Either way, they screwed up and are a bit too late. Is it a surprise, though? I think not.

Soviet Red Thanksgiving, Black Friday

Well well well... happy belated Thanksgiving, you miserable wretched mongrels,

On that, I must make it clear that I find it horribly disturbing that we celebrate a holiday (and give subsequent good wishes) that, in our modern day, essentially is all about the mass genocide of the turkey. We condemn Stalin and the Khans (Genghis and Kublai... not Shaka) for their shenanigans, and yet each year hundreds of thousands of those awkward, lanky birds are sent packing to their proverbial makers. Ain't it a shame? Talk about a slap in PETA's face.

With the end of the gluttonous fiesta, we wake to Black Friday. When things are down, we hit the day after Thanksgiving, pushing this osteoporosis-affected limboing economy 'back in black.' And what a day it was. Apparently an elderly woman was trampled to death outside of a Walmart, most likely in some God-forsaken mid-western state, by other shoppers stampeding into the low-cost-low-quality Mecca. Elsewhere in this twisted country of ours, two people were shot dead. Normally, this news isn't worth a quarter of the time alloted to weather. I can't believe I just said that. But sadly its true. How many people a day are shot dead in NYC, for fuck's sake? But the really twisted thing... is that the double homicide took place in a Toys'R'Us. A fucking toy store, full of parents and children... the scene of a double shooting. And the self-righteous Right Wing Zealots and patriots of Christ claim Muslims (yes... in general) are barbaric. I doubt and Sunni or Shia ever killed two people over a G.I. Joe or Barby. Then again... stranger things have happened.

So, apparently people are out beginning the laborious task of Christmas shopping. Personally, I've always found the tradition on par with a searing hot poker enema. A mall is hell on earth enough; add the holiday rush and it becomes utterly miserable. Our fears of non-consumerism can be easily swept under the unspoken carpet of shame covering our national floor; its been a long time since buyers killed each other for completely useless merchandise. See Also: Friday, November 17th, 2006.

But will it be enough to give the economy the jump-start, jalepeno up the ass that we need to start moving UPWARD again? I guess time will tell. Something has to be going our way: why else would extremists take over a city, and I'm directly talking about Mumbai, and kill westerners? Natio-ethnocentric as that may sound... it can sadly be noted as true. At least that's my opinion. So sod off. 

At least Black Friday gives us college football. After the three pitiful NFL games on Thanksgiving Day, I need something competitive. The Detroit Lions should be banned from Thanksgiving football, and the Cowboys should try playing a talented team. But I digress. It's bowling time, so make me a White Russian and move over.

The 44th President, Ladies and Gentlemen...

"It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled, Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

We are, and always will be, the United States of America. -44th President Elect Barack Obama"

Spoken to a silent and hallowed crowd in the brisk, clear Chicago night, Barack Obama told this country, and the world, that despite the differences... we stand united. Always. If that's not presidential... I don't know what is.

In a speech that brought tears to the eyes of most of the audience (along with many-a-drunks in New York), including Reverend Jesse Jackson and American demigod Oprah Winfrey, our president elect Barack Obama spoke of hard work, challenges... and, most importantly, hope. He showed why the nations liberals/democrats rallied behind him; he also demonstrated why those pesky independent voters, the neutral bastards they are, chose him as their candidate. And what a speech. In my own case, it sent optimistic chills up, down, and all over my spine. Connected with my fellow bar patrons by the pure ecstasy of a democratic win, we celebrated like high school troglodytes after winning the Thanksgiving Day football game. Some cheered and screamed with joy; some sat slouched on chairs, tears streaming down their faces like broken faucets... stunned by the reality: We Did It!

The past two years, for many, have been one of much sacrifice and labor. Packs of Obama loyalists, who had shed blood, sweat, and tears over the past 20 months in promoting the now presidential elect (goddamn that feels great to say... or type) marched down the street raving madly as if opiates had been put in their punch. Drunk with victory, they allowed themselves to dream, a guilty pleasure that has been long-dormant in the last two terms (and with good reason. Dick Chenney STILL gives me nightmares). And the party was NOT relegated to our country. Around the world, citizens of every walk of life partied like it was 1999 again; they too saw a hope in the regal pontification delivered by Obama. Once again, perhaps... the United States of America can stand as a beacon, lighting the way for the rest of the world.

While hope still runs rampant, this morning brings about a strange reality. We have our new president-to-be and he is the icon that physically represent the change wanted in this country; however, as the celebration wanes, the bitter reality of our current state pops up once more like a cockroach trained zit. In a little more than two months, after January 20th, President Obama has his work cut out for him. Whatever can be done to stop our gradual sink into the bog of economic recession must be done FAST; jump starting it back into a positive one is another matter. From social issues to foreign relations, the young president will be busy. But for now, my dear word-junkies, we can rest easy and take a deep breath. The first priority has been accomplished: prove to the world that we, in fact, ARE a country of free, idealistic people. Amen.

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer. -President Obama"

Two Years Down; One Final Day

Well well well...

After almost two years of this maelstrom of an presidential campaign, the day has come. Election Day. The end all be all free for all of the American political system. Not for the weak of heart (so sorry, John... you might be disqualified for that matter alone. Which leaves your running mate...), and for those who become nauseous easily... stay out.

But by some act of divinity... or an abundance of amphetamines pumping through peoples' systems... the early voter turn out is on track to break all records. And how could that be? Does it have to do with this historic election, where either a black man will become our first minority president or a woman our first vice president? Possibly. Its certainly not for the joy of standing in line all day, waiting to get your shot at an antiquated voting machine. But by no means am I advocating not voting. Quite the contrary. I find the very idea of people refusing to vote both moronic and utterly offensive to any semblance of a nationalist still left in me. I mean really... we are the nation most notorious for standing on our global apple box and shouting to the world the joy and magnificence of democracy, and yet people are too lazy to pull their ass out of the couch, miss non-stop television for a few hours, and participate in our government.

Nonetheless, even as the pure cynic that I be... I feel optimistic about this year. God, Allah, Buddha, Zeus, and Martha Stewart willing... the youth f the nation WILL actually do their part. Remember the good old days, in the sixties and seventies (well, early seventies. Before disco came in and made the world a terrible, terrible place) when the young voters actually gave two thirds of a damn about the state of their country? Well, it seems possible that this year might see the same zeal and enthusiasm about politics as our vaunted "golden years." 

I for one am incredibly excited. In 2004, the democratic party had a shot of adrenaline... much needed since the final days of Wild Boy Billy Clinton. And that surge came in the form of Barack Obama. A young, intelligent, articulate senator with the charisma and ideology that was reminiscent of JFK, he gave new hope to the youthful democrats. Now, four years later... we are on the potential eve of his election to the presidency of the United States of America. Unlike his competitor, the self-righteous, sardonic, verbose, Mickey Mouse-voiced self accredited 'maverick' John McCain... Obama has inspired many in this nation to look forward. The chance for change is his methodology, as opposed to the GOP's campaign of fear and uncertainty. I mean Jesus... watching some of the Republican smear ads on television, I'm afraid to step outside lest some rogue group decides to take me and half of West 4th street out. What a surprise: the party that brought us Nixon now using paranoia and fear.

Look at it from this perspective. If Barack Obama wins, we will have elected the first African American president; the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King, jr. will have come to fruition. So, in the eyes of the whole world... we, the nation so proud of our "equality, justice, and unadulterated freedom" will finally have lived up to our claim. Equality will have finally been made commonplace. It will also show that, in the end, we the people DO care about this country. That we don't take our civic liberties AND duties lightly, and that when a party has failed to meet the needs of the people, we will not be blatantly STUPID enough to re-elect the same party once again. And last but not least... it will show that people like Sarah Palin will NEVER ascend into real powers of authority, and for good cause.

So, my dear little mongoloids... with even less to do than me... remember. It is a gift, freedom, and right of every citizen to vote. And even more, a responsibility. Now go! Get to it! Tear the doors off the hinges at your local voting station like a pack of drug-addicted hippies desperately seeking opiates from a local pharmacy! Just remember... by the end of tonight, we may be spraying each other with the finest cheap-champaign; we also be quietly drinking cheap port from the bottle while sobbing in the corner, wondering where we went wrong... once more.

Foreplay with a Plunger

Dear New York...

First thing's first: I hate you all. Second: I don't care about all the mischievous bullshit that slides so eloquently from the mouths of evening news anchors. Third: Unless my sources are wrong...I'm pretty sure God is dead; victim to "special treatment" while interned at GitMo.

Though I wouldn't doubt that this is the greatest city in this puss-infested planet, I must say... it also just may be the nexus of the sociopathic universe. There are just too few hours in the day to explain how psychotic this place can be. Walking down 6th avenue on a Friday or Saturday night is reminiscent of a heavy acid-trip gone very wrong. Though I try and equate my utter horror to whatever intruding substance is pumping through my veins, this proves erroneous. Try as hard as I might, I keep coming back to the fact that all the nonsense surrounding me is actually real. Real to this city.

In the wonderfully welcoming mad house, we all stand the shackled, quivering masses. Slaves to the grind, prostitutes to the culture, and troglodytic golems... a sorrowful state of affairs called out by the swollen-tongued beaureaucrat with the skin of some small Malaysian child pinned to his lapel. And yes, this all may be some pure pedantic bullshit from a fellow inmate in the Manhattan Clinic for the aimless. A prophet once said that this is a doomed generation; too bad the youth is one check behind that. So now what, you may be asking ye of little faith and inspiration. How the fuck would I know? I guess we all just have to take a deep breath, and accept the fist-fuck enema that New York has to offer.

Now if you'll excuse me...I need another drink.