Oh How We Loved Them...But Where Have They Gone?

I had an epiphany last night.

Wandering around the gentrified grunge of the Lower East Side, surrounded by spray-on jeans, a copious amount of leather jackets, and far too many people with messy hair... I realized that New York's gone weak. That is to say, over the past thirty years, since the psychotic rampaging days of the Warriors (and god-dammit what better way to reference a time than a cult classic), New York has undergone a "spring cleaning" to rid the city of as much crime and crackheads as possible. And then of course, there were the days of that self-righteous, hypocritical fink of a weasel Rudy Giuliani. Frankly, I would begin praising every known deity in existence if he were to be suddenly attacked by a pack of rabid badgers... clawing, biting, and scratching at his midriff for hours on end... culminating in his castration. But I digress. 

The whole point of this diatribe is that New York has lost it's edge. There really are no more havens for filthy, sketchy, grimy dives... no bastion for the reckless, the apathetic, and the lunatics to rest their anxious souls. I mean, really folks! While it's very nice not getting mugged every day, we need a bit of filth back up in NYC. I fancy a drink when I can; everyone's got their vices... some of which I don't condone, some of which I don't care. Either way, though... where has the refuge gone for the little china doll so snow-blind she can't even find her Virginia Slims? Why have nicotine freaks been cast out into the abysmal, bleak night known as winter? Hey... I understand the concept of "being healthy" but isn't that supposed to be each person's choice? Who the hell claims to have the authority to tell people not to smoke, not to drink, not to have unmarried intercourse. Christ in a cracker... we're not the bloody Puritans anymore.

While perusing the city last night with a compatriot of mine, we mingled in some of the more well-known Lower East Side staples. Stopping in 'Pianos,' we listened to some wanna-be hipster indie band. First off, the sound system was falling apart. Second... the front man was an idiot. He had no concept of stage presence or performance. Now, if that room had been hazy from half a dozen skin-and-bones thin hipster chicks chain smoking... with the distinctive allure of the illicit... it would have been much more entertaining. At least to watch. My whole point is that even the "grunge" has become chic... even the beat has become hip. For example... last night at 'Pianos,' a gaggle of suits had descended from the bourgeoisie uptown apartments to mingle in the downtown dives. But their very presence destroyed any appeal like that. It was a crystal clear sign that such a world doesn't exist anymore in New York. So I stand on my apple box and call to the masses: fuck your space. Bring in the hookers... bring in the drunks, because everyone else in New York is now just a punk. Sit on that, Rudy!

Go Go Team of Rivals! AIDs and Bush... Who Would Have Thought? The Government Makes It Official: We're ALL Screwed

God don't Mondays suck?

But wait! Dear Holy Moses could it be true? We have reason to give thanks on this most mundane of Mondays: President Elect Obama has announced his candidates for the national security team. And talk about a rag-tag team of political miscreants! Being called "a team of rivals," in direct reference to Ol' Honest Abe's staff, Obama's team is made up of various figureheads from across the partisan map.

First off, Bobby Gates looks like he's going to be staying around. Lucky for him; its going to be seriously difficult for anyone who worked under Bush to get a job in politics. Ever again. And thank God, Allah, Moses, Buddha, Vishnu, Tiamat, Baal, and Tito Puente for that, because if Cheney ever entered again I'm running for the hills. And hey... Gates hasn't done TOO bad in his tenure; how much better can you do in his shoes?

Admittedly, I was somewhat surprised to hear Jim Jones named as national security advisor. If I remember correctly, the retired General did not quite see eye to eye with Obama on a withdrawal deadline, stating "they tend to work against us." But that shows exactly why people voted for Obama. Fuck party lines and fuck opinions... rah rah team, let's get things going again and all that motivational jibberish. And hey, though Jones is more conservative than my liking... if the 44th thinks he's qualified, I'm convinced. For now.

Eric Holder as the attorney general seems a good pick. The man does have a long resume, serving under both Regan and Clinton. He was part of the judicial system that prosecuted Jon Jenrette during Abscam. He even was the temporary predecessor to that heinous little crone, John Ashcroft. I'm satisfied.

I must admit, I'm disappointed with the lecherous tumors that call themselves Republican analysts on CNN. These pin-headed pundits dropped the ball on their criticism of Janet Napolitano as Secretary of Homeland Security. Their main critique: her lack of military experience. Aside from the fact that Secretary of Homeland Security mostly deals with departments like FEMA, the Coast Guard, and Border Patrol... look at the first secretary Tom Ridge. He was a staff sergeant in Vietnam with half a dozen medals, and he screwed the pooch long and hard in his role. So I say lets go Napolitano.

Susan Rice as U.S. Representative to the UN is probably the most tapioca of the choices. Serving in the political free-for-all mayhem since the ill-fated days of Dukakis, Rice has a good twenty plus years experience. She served under Slick Willy in his second term... and lest we forget, she's supported by ex-Secretary Madeline Albright.

Last and most certainly not least, the big mac, all-star, mucho grande granddaddy of choices is Hillary "Battle Axe" Clinton as Secretary of State. Talk about a one-two punch in the political ring. Of course, every political journalist and their grandmothers' ashes were as eager to jump on and hump that story as a pack of virgin Trekkies in Hooters. A year ago: the two Democratic demigods were battling tooth, nail, and toe to tear each others' hearts out. Now: standing side by side, exuding pride and confidence, exchanging pontifications of gratitude and respect. And to those very reporters who shot their load off in that story, I say shame on you. This, the unification of once BITTER, ANGRY rivals, is exactly what the president-elect lauded and said was necessary. So let's allow the man to do this thing. If you're going to rain on the parade, at least wait till it gets started in January. Doing so now is just superfluous.

As with that ridiculous tradition at Buckingham Palace, the American political system stands ready for a changing of the guards... sans those maniacal pipe-cleaner hats required for service. And our soon to be ex-prez, El "W", is probably counting the days until he can flee D.C. Yet, even after seven years of misery, war, recession, and boredom... President Bush is acting like a president. I (and I CANNOT believe I'm saying this, but it's warranted) offer my praise to President Bush for his proactive involvement and dedication to helping with the transition of power. I would do the same if I had his reputation: hurry it up and get the fuck out!

But this makes me ask all ye faithfully psychotic leftist hippies: are we right to bash him so? Yes, he did a terrible job with the economy. Yes, he managed to entrench us in TWO wars that seem to have no end while subsequently instilling hatred of America in 98.42% of all Muslims in the world, extremist or not. Yes, he did fail at improving education, health care, energy independence, and alternative energy... okay, shit. He fucked up really bad. But there are few, if microscopic, notches in his belt that must be approved. His work in Africa fighting AIDs, for example, is incredibly impressive; so much so, that numerous politicians across the party line have come out and expressed gratitude and applause for his work. He isn't a JFK, he isn't even a Nixon (which is SUPPOSED to be a compliment, but in this case not so much...)... but he did do SOMETHING. So it wasn't an entire failure. Just pretty damn close to one.

Such is the sardonic lamentation of the gauntlet known as American Politics. In a recent interview, a very candid President Bush expressed dissatisfaction with his job. And the Government just made the official announcement: We're In a Recession! Jeeze.... thanks so much for that goddamn astute observation. Yet where was it a year ago when this prison-house gang-bang of an economic collapse started? Seems the "analysts" were too busy chasing tail in Cancun... or too busy finger painting while flying hard on New Mexico's finest Peyote. Either way, they screwed up and are a bit too late. Is it a surprise, though? I think not.