Superbowl Masterbation: The Game That Wouldn't End; John Madden Single-Handedly Kills the Environment

The Superbowl. The epitome of do or die games. The apex of American football, played each year against the (supposedly) best teams in the league. And yet... why is it this year was almost painful to watch? Scratch that... was like having your kidneys removed without anesthesia by a pack of black-market organ thieves down an alleyway somewhere in Chinatown (any one of them throughout the U.S.). And why, do you ask? Simple: both teams sucked, and the entire game was an act of futility.

Now in previous years, even when my team was not in the finals, I have witnessed Superbowls that were astounding to watch; true examples of incredible football. But those days seem to have gone. Aside from last year, for obvious reasons, I find that the only enjoyable Superbowls have involved the New England Patriots. Obviously there is high degree of bias in my claim, but at the same time... I think my opinion is completely valid. When the Pats lined up against the Rams in 2002, no sports caster/announcer in their right mind picked them to come even remotely close. And yet, the ultra-underdog Patriots upset the Marshal Faulk-backed Rams in a fantastic game. Even if you were not a New England fan, it was one hell of a game to watch. The next time around, they faced the Carolina Panthers. The Panthers had gone 1-15 the previous year, then went on to face the Pats in the Bowl. And it was a hard fought, smash-mouth game. Again, a solid example of what championship football is all about. Finally, the very next year... the Patriots faced the Philadelphia Eagles. This one seemed to be for all the marbles. I mean come on folks! They were the defending champs!! And everyone outside of New England wanted to see Brady and his cohorts fail. Which they didn't. They put the fear of God into the Eagles (which, by the way... I loved. I was in Syracuse, NY for that game... former school to Donovan McNabb. So I had to listen to dozens of elitist Westchester bastard-children go on and on about how they were rooting for their "schoolmate").

But I think it goes beyond lacking the presence of the Patriots. The Cardinals, despite being referred to as a team of destiny this year, were always mediocre. And they're from the NFC which is always such an easier division compared to the AFC. Then the Steelers. That putrid, puss-drained yellow and black colored team... led by a literal Neanderthal with a wretched name. There were no great names in that game (aside from Arizona's Fitzpatrick, who is one hell of an oddity amongst the NFL) to cause psychotic excitement. And throughout the whole game, aside from a couple of big plays... it seemed as if nothing happened. There was no drama, no tension, no anxiety during the last few minutes of the game. Even when your team isn't in the running, the Superbowl should have every single viewers' stomach doing a limbo contest from Hell. Yet I, like my colleagues, was left greatly wanting. Bring back the Patriots, or find a good team dammit!

On a final note, I would like to point out how John Madden is, single-handedly, killing the environment. And this is caused by his armored-car, small locomotive sized bus he uses to tour the country every week. While I appreciate the concepts of aviaphobia, acrophobia, and claustrophobia... I don't appreciate Madden driving around the country for the entire duration of football season in a 45-foot gargantuan (which, point of note, includes a sauna, gourmet buffet, multiple TVs, satellite cable, etc. It's estimated worth is a whopping $800,000 for fossilized Fatima's sake!). He had to seek special permission to build that motorized beast, thanks largely to its insanely large gas tanks. He can hold something around 300 gallons. In a world were fossil fuels are both becoming harder to obtain AND rapidly increasing greenhouse gasses, albeit destroying the environment flat out... I'd say to John: "take a handful of xanax, you triple-chin, joweled mongoloid, pass out on the plane, and wake up when you're there!" What is the world coming to?